(March 2005) All right, this is too good not to include in toto. Diana Cage—one of several sexpert columnists in On Our Backs—wrote “Hook Up and Hang Up: Some Tips on Keeping It Casual.” Here’s the column:
There’s a myth in our community that dykes don’t have casual sex. We’ve heard the jokes about U-haul, and they aren’t exactly untrue. We’ve all had lovers suggest cohabitation after a few dates, we’ve probably even done it ourselves. But there’s a lot to be said for the single life, and casual sex can be lots of fun if you’re doing it right. Staying single for a period of time, whether it’s several months or several years, is a viable choice, and I for one highly recommend playing the field for a while as a way to get to know yourself and figure out what you want. Tell your coupled-up friends to back off with the hook-ups; you’re here to get laid and take names, but not necessarily settle down. Here are some tips to help you find that great trick, fling, fuck-buddy, or friend with benefits.
get ready, get set, go
Get yourself ready. Get over your ex, let go of your baggage, and love yourself! You’ll never get laid until you learn to love your body. I’m sorry, but that’s the facts, ma’am. We are all hot—it’s not about what size you are, or what you are wearing. The more you love yourself, the more everyone else will love you.
what do you want, anyway?
How can you find satisfaction if you have no idea what you find satisfying? I’m not suggesting you rule out entire groups of the sapphically inclined, just set some parameters. If you really like to party, you probably won’t click with a clean and sober babe. If you want a one-night stand, then a woman with marriage on her mind is going to frustrate you. Once you know what you are looking for, it will be easier to find.
learn how to talk about sex
This might just be the most important tip of all. You’ll never have a truly satisfying sex life or a partner that understands you, if you can’t discuss sex openly and honestly. Take the plunge and state your needs, both in terms of desired relationship and sexual desires. Even casual hook-ups deserve to know what you’re thinking, and how can the hot butch you picked up know you want her hard cock if you don’t tell her?
be a girl scout
And by that I mean, be prepared. My friend Odessa never leaves the house without a safe sex pack in her purse. Stuff gloves, lube, and condoms into your coin purse. Feeling ready for sex makes you feel sexy, and you’ll be ready when inspiration strikes.
check out the internet
Community bulletin boards like craigslist.org, and friend networking sites like friendster.com and myspace.com are an unintimidating way to meet girls. They feel like a community, so it’s less daunting than making a move on a complete stranger. Click through friends of friends of friends until someone strikes your fancy, or ask a friend for an introduction.
leave the house
Girls are everywhere. Turn on your gaydar. Make eye contact with the cashier at the health food store. Ask her leading questions and listen for a “we” to ascertain whether or not she’s partnered. Then move in for the kill.
We’re all shy. We all fear rejection. Get over it. My friend Ana moved to San Francisco from Boston and didn’t know a soul. I took her out dancing a few times and she decided she’d go ahead and put the moves on ladies she liked. Next thing you know she’s got girls fighting over her on the dance floor. She’s a chick magnet. All because she figured out that girls really want you to make the first move.
keep it casual
If you’re set on staying single, don’t spend the night with your lover. This isn’t about settling it, it’s about getting it on. Resist the urge for a romantic brunch in bed. Don’t send sweet emails during the day and whisper sweet nothings into the phone in the evening. Make a sex date and stick to it.
deliver the perfect kiss
Want to get a girl in bed? Learn to deliver the perfect kiss. You’ll never get a chance to debut your rug-munching, cock-swinging, smut-talking skill set until you’ve sucked her in with that first cunt-soaking kiss. A great kiss is slow and hard, with lots of tongue and soft lips. Make eye contact, lean in, and start slowly. Your lips should meet before they part. Start with a lot of soft lip action. Then slip your tongue over and between her lips. Pull back every so often and switch back to soft lip kissing. Nibble, bite a little bit, but don’t bite hard until you know she wants it. Use your hands. Grab her hair, touch her face. Master the kiss, and the ladies will be lining up.
LISTENING TO: “Come All You Fair and Tender Ladies,” performed by Maybelle Carter
SINGING IN THE SHOWER: I guess, if you get sent to enough Sunday School classes, then it doesn’t matter if you don’t believe in a physical God at a conscious level. All I know is, I hear the word lamb and there my brain goes associating the word and making it real in some way. And all that serves to introduce the fact that I guess my conversation with my mom about her Easter service was percolating in my brain because, this morning, before I even realized it, I was singing “Jesus Walked This Lonesome Valley” in the shower.