280. AWW, CAN'T GET RID OF THEM?

From the Archives (15 May 2007) The latest from the American (Narrowly Defined, Intent-on-Keeping-Up-Appearances) Family Association:

Special Offer On "It's Not Gay" DVD

From now through Tuesday, May 8, we are offering our video It's Not Gay for only $10, and that includes shipping.

It's Not Gay has already been shown in an estimated 10,000 churches. It's Not Gay tells the other side of the homosexual movement, a side which the mainstream media and professional associations never mention.

It's Not Gay presents a story that few have heard, allowing former homosexuals* the opportunity to tell their own story in their own words. Along with medical and mental health experts, these individuals express a clear warning that the prevalent view of homosexuality being presented to America is not the whole story.

With a running time of 28 minutes, it is excellent for a Sunday School class, Bible study group or other situations.

To order your copy of It's Not Gay, click here.

P.S. Please forward this e-mail message to your family and friends!

Um, I guess I state the obvious when I point out that this homosexual story no one has heard before (told in queers' own words!) is limited to a very specific subset of queer folk who buy into the lie that homosexuality is wrong and actually try to convince themselves that a person can suppress his or her unsuppressible attraction to another person.

So. I thought maybe I'd offer the good um Christianists an exchange. They give me It's Not Gay to distribute to my friends and I give them It's Not Christian for them to distribute to their friends.

My DVD begins with footage of Jerry Falwell arriving at a rural courthouse with busloads of his faithful lemmings in tow. They're there to protest the "lib'ral judge" who dared try a minister for burning one of his toddlers alive and severely burning another one.

(A true tale.)

Let's listen as Jerry informs the camera that real Christians recognize that women and children are men's property to do with as they choose. (It's their "God-given authority" y'all.)

Watch Jerry explain that men are ordained by God to be the head of their housholds and are therefore free to do whatever God instructs them to do with their own property.

(Who are we to interfere with God's will, people?)

Here's the logic: The minister should thus be allowed to sentence his children back to the fires of Hell without legal intervention because this country based on equality should follow the laws of the bible.

Now let's segue to Fred Phelps, the bigoted, angry minister who tauted Matthew Shepard's parents at the boy's funeral.

Listen as Fred informs the grieving parents that "Matthew is in Hell where he belongs"—because it's Christian to torture the grieving and broken-hearted, particularly when their young son was discovered severely beaten and left to die on a cold Wyoming fence.

Next a white Christian explains how Genesis proves that "nigras" are not human beings like the rest of us but are, instead, "mud people"—I kid you not—which means, conveniently, that human rights laws don't apply to them.

Then there's the Southern woman explaining that Jesus wants her to "submit graciously" to her husband and to any man with a dick in her general vicinity who wants to tell her what to do with her one wild and precious life.

Landover Baptist sells "What Would Jesus Do?" thongs on their website. So I'm thinking that maybe my DVD can end with a sexy shot of this thong, then pan out to the story "Pope Appears in Credit Card Ad to Pay Off Class Action Molestation Suit Brought by 23% of New Jersey."

A voice from on high can then boom "Ask a molested child about straight male Christians, y'all."

Grrr.