(January 2005) Headline on Yahoo! today: “Shatner sells kidney stone to charity.”
Huh. I wonder if it will try to rap, entertain its new owner....
If that’s not disturbing enough, then here’s news from Kiplinger’s: if you’re one of those consumers who charged $232 billion on your Visa between November 1 and Christmas Day, then you’ll be pleased to know that your government is concerned about your credit-card debt so—even though you have probably not gotten a substantial raise in 5 years and even though the cost-of-living has gone up substantially and even though your heating and transportation costs have doubled—nevertheless, your friendly Big Brother has issued new federal guidelines that require creditors to double your minimum credit-card payments.
Meanwhile, the coauthors of the million-copy selling, New Age Medicine Cards deck and the memoir Crossing into Medicine Country are also looking out for us.
(People are so NICE, aren’t they? I mean, all this charity has inspired me to do a Sally chant: They like me. They really liiiiiiike me!).
Yep, the Medicine Card folks are now publishing 2012 Oracle: Transitioning into the New Humanity, and well before 2012! This divinatory deck and accompanying book are “intended to help guide humanity through immense world change heralded for 2012 by the Bible Code, Nostradamus, astrology, and the Mayan calendar.”
(Why not go all out and include the fucking Code of fucking Hammurabi in that list too?)
Well, clearly, I best rush right out and purchase this deck since I like to plan ahead for such momentous life events.
I wonder, though, if these co-authors might need to make a slight adjustment in their calculations. I mean, our boy dictator apparently believes that the earth is only 6 thousand years old. And we know he’s competitive. So surely he’ll notice soon enough that he and his party and their corporate interests haven’t quite controlled the Press as much as, say, dictators in Chile and El Salvador were able to do.
Nope, he just hasn’t gone far enough.
If he believes that our ancestors walked the Earth with the dinosaurs, then the Medicine Card folks better adjust their oracle transitions to fit these beliefs or he’ll prohibit them from publishing this information.
Meanwhile MSN is looking out for us (there are angels everywhere!) by publishing this depressing list of
THE TEN WORST THINGS YOU CAN EAT
Hydrogenated/Trans fats > These manufactured fats are used in bakery items and margarine. Studies indicate that it isn't so much how much fat you consume, but what kind you consume. These are the worst, so better avoid cookies, crackers, baked goods etc. that include hydrogenated oil in their ingredient list.
Olestra > This fake fat is used in the manufacturing of fat-free potato chips and other snack foods. It binds with fat-soluble vitamins A, E, D and K and carotenoids—substances believed to keep the immune system healthy and prevent some cancers—and eliminates them. Proctor and Gamble, Olestra’s producer, has acknowledged the problem with vitamins and is now fortifying their um food-like stuff with them. Olestra causes some serious digestive problems in many people too and environmentalists suggest that, since Olestra does not break down, it is incredibly harmful to our environment.
Nitrates > Nitrates are used in many foods, especially cured meats such as bacon and hot dogs, to preserve color and maintain microbial safety. Nitrate is harmless, but it can convert to nitrite, which can form nitrosamines, a powerful cancer-causing chemical, in your body so, whenever possible, look for nitrate-free preserved meats. If consuming foods containing nitrates, have a glass of orange juice at the same time (for instance, orange juice with your morning bacon), since Vitamin C is known to inhibit conversion to nitrosamines in your stomach.
Alcohol > This one item has created more problems than all the rest put together. Of course, it is possible to consume alcohol wisely and safely. Just stick to that one glass of red wine for its healthful side effects, exercise caution, and don’t overdo it.
(Damn it! Now that is just not fair!)
Raw oysters > Raw oysters can carry a deadly bacteria that can cause severe illness or death so are marketed strictly in the "buyer beware" category. You take a big risk every time you consume them raw.
Saturated animal fats > That means fatty meats, especially beef and pork, or the skin on poultry. It also includes full-fat dairy products such as cheese, milk and cream. Fatty meat and dairy products do have some contributions to make to a diet, but none that can't be found elsewhere.
Soda > Drinking soda is a poor way to get fluids. They are full of sugar or artificial sweeteners and often contain caffeine, artificial colors and flavors. Substitute homemade soda by mixing sparkling water with fresh, 100 percent juice.
Low-acid home-canned foods > Home canning can be dangerous for foods low in acid such as green beans, carrots, or other garden vegetables. The potential of botulism is high because home canners often do not reach the temperatures and pressures necessary to kill the botulism spores that may contaminate the food. Low-acid home-canned foods are one of the main causes of food poisoning.
High-fat snacks, chips > Even if they are made with vegetable oil, they should be minimized. The balance of fat in our diets has shifted too far to the omega-6 variety (found in most processed vegetable oils) and it is thought that consuming too many of omega-6 fats may lead to certain chronic diseases. Focus on fruits and non-fat whole grains for snacking instead.
Liquid meals > They aren't inherently bad for you, but they do keep you from eating whole, natural foods that contain more nutrients and fiber and disease-fighting phytochemicals. They may be okay for people who are too sick to eat, but don't let them displace the real foods in your diet.
Finally, my advice (’cause hey I’m looking out for you too, wink wink): just don’t even look at the number of nitrates that are now allowed under the revised-for-corporate-gain-at-the-expense-of-your-health “organic” label. It’s too depressing.
All right. Back to work now. Mush, mush!