181. DIVINE PUNISHMENT, OR, WAS JESUS A NAMBY-PAMBY FRAT BOY?

From the Archives

(January 2006) Wasting no time whatsoever, Pat Robertson announced yesterday that Ariel Sharon’s stroke was divine punishment for “dividing God’s land.”

Interesting how egomaniacs always want you to believe that they speak for god, isn’t it?

(What was Terry Schiavo’s coma divine punishment for, Patso?)

As for me, I’m holding onto the hope that Pat’s latest decree will inspire Oral Roberts to climb back into his crystal tower and refuse to come down until God delivers a Jim Jones poison Kool-Aid acid test to the idiots over at the 700 Club.

(And, man, I can’t WAIT till Pat finally dies so I can announce his death as God’s wrath pouring down on the Christianists.)
Meanwhile, Pat and his pals are pressuring NBC to bump the “Book of Daniel,” which premieres Friday.

This show stars Aidan Quinn as an Episcopal priest with a queer son, and the Christianists consider it another indication of NBC’s “anti-Christian bigotry.”

The fact that a gay man produced the show no doubt encourages this view too. And they’re particularly unhappy about the fact that the priest has long conversations with Jesus.

(Wonder who’s playing Jesus? Maybe they revived that Jesus of Montreal star.)

I fail to parse how a sitcom that features Jesus in a starring role can be labeled anti-Christian, but a Dobson spokesperson describes this Jesus is “a namby-pamby frat boy who basically winks at every sin and perversity under the sun.”

What would they have him do with human foibles? Shoot electric lightning bolts out of his pinkies?

Clearly, they want that black-and-white Old Testament god instead of a human who recognizes subtllety, frailty.

Meanwhile, the empathetic namby-pamby Jesus must be thrilled to see Tom DeLay on trial and the Boy King’s feet pressed to the fire and Abramoff’s so-called charitable giving coming back to bite him and those other conservative moneychangers on their lily-white asses.

And, low and behold, Abramoff’s plea agreement reveals that he funneled $50,000 to the wife of one of DeLay’s senior staff members (a woman who is probably in some Texas church right now praying her well-perfumed ass off that some higher being will get her out of this one).

The whipster god must be chuckling at the fundies’ misuse of the word family too, now that we know that DeLay’s former chief of staff apparently created the US Family Network nonprofit in order to receive $1 million from an Abramoff client.

Oh and I bet he’s happy as a clam to know that Randy Cunningham is finally headed to prison and we all know now that Bill Frist (who can diagnose patients from a video) uses his AIDS charity to funnel half a million dollars to his pals and allegedly pulled a Martha and sold some of his family’s HRC stock illegally too.

(Wanna place bets on whether or not he’s sent to some West Virginia prison though?)

Meanwhile, the Times is finally abuzz with talk about the symbiosis between lobbyists and lawmakers but who’s surprised by THAT relationship? We legalized lobbying after all.

(But whodathunk lawmakers would be greedy instead of looking out for every citizen’s interests? Amazing!)

SANG IN SHOWER: “The sun’s so hot and my heart is thumping. Let me buy you a beer or something...” (Lucinda Williams)

READING: Alternet’s “Fighting GOP Corruption”

LISTENING TO: “Triangle man, triangle man. Doing the things that a triangle can.” (Moxy Früvous)

QUOTE OF THE DAY: “Government officials and government action are not for sale.” (Alice Fisher, assistant attorney general in charge of the department’s criminal division, as she suggested that a bigger influence-peddling scandal is about to unfold)
(We should all say a silent thank you that her boss is not former attorney general John Ashcroft.)